Classic

The reason my rental car is called the "Chevrolet Classic" is because General Motors was too lazy to pull the fucker off the lines after they had introduced its replacement. That's right—this is last year's Chevy Malibu still sold to rental car companies.

And it is, without doubt, the worst car I have ever driven.

We'll ignore the fact that it's complete rental fodder. Things like the cookie bits stuck to the steering wheel (see photo) are forgivable because, barring some sort of undercover cookie-planting ninjas hired by GM corporate, this was likely a simple instantiation of "American" inside the car.

But here's the car. Behold, the most styilistically unimaginative car since the 1990 Toyota Corolla.

Oh my word, that's mediocre.

The worst part about this car isn't even the exterior, either. I don't want to seem unkind here, but the interior feels like it was designed by a class of preschoolers. Everything is shod in cheap plastics and most of the parts seem like they were added as afterthoughts. Things like the outermost air vents are ludicrously placed and are almost completely ineffective. The steering wheel—always a bastion of American design idiocy—is disproportionately large and is one of the single homeliest pieces I've seen this side of a Saturn. And don't even get me started about the center console.

Additionally, the entire driving experience is completely remote. Turn-in is very poor and the steering is very easy to overload. The engine will make the car move when it's poked, but the mopey transmission makes 95% of all around-town driving seem like every throttle press occurs at the earliest convenience of the drivetrain instead of immediately.

And it whines. First and second gear whine like soldiers when they're pushed.

Admittedly, the car does pass muster in terms of both brakes and suspension. While not spectacular, the binders do seem to pull the car down to naught authoritatively enough (which remains one of the largest complaints of my otherwise completely reasonable Camry) and I have yet to upset the suspension to the point where it becomes exciting.

I'd kill for some excitement in this car. So I guess that's a negative.

It seems like the worst parts are all oddities about the execution. The radio doesn't turn off when you turn the car off, for example, and the power lock button doesn't ever work the first time you press it. It chimes instead. Things like this baffle me completely—why the hell is there a door lock button in the first place? Do I really want to quit? Hello?

I'm so appalled by the huge execution flaws that, thankfully, I haven't really even had time to fully appreciate all the ergonomic and placement errors that occur throughout the cabin. I don't really worry about the fact that the volume and tuning knobs on the radio are identical and placed right next to each other—meaning inadvertent station-changes are commonplace—I don't worry about this kind of thing because I'm beating my head against the steering wheel trying to ask myself why the hell I didn't say, "no, I'd really like something else" when the Avis lady asked if a Malibu would be alright.