F - -

I have a really difficult time with things like driver's license tests.

I tested for my New Mexico Defensive Driver Certificate¹ sometime in September or so of last year so I could legally captain state vehicles to their assuredly undeserved destructions. The test was something like 50 or 100 questions and took the better part of 45 minutes to complete.

And I failed it. On the upside, I had all the answers figured out for the second run through and got a nearly 100% in less than 15 minutes.

Anyway, I just got back from the Washington Department of Licensing where I failed their 25-question test.

The problem, in this case, was that I figured I was too pressed for time to actually read the entire 100-page Washington Driver Guide and that I could probably just wing the test and make it.

Hah.

I needed 20 passed questions out of 25, and answered my 6th wrong question on number 21.

On the drive back, I figured out why the hell I always get these tests wrong: the numerical questions are terribly inconsistent.

The thing is that there's no real guideline for making it through on the number questions. For example, I've always grown up with the 3-second rule for highway driving: cars should be separated by around 3 seconds of road space. When merging, this number drops to around 1 to 2 seconds.

Conversely, the test notes that merging requires around 4 seconds of space and that driving at speed requires 2 seconds.

This is all seemingly contradictory; half of the answers are hilariously unrealistic and the other half are surprisingly aggressive.

Of the six I bombed, here are the few I can remember:

• How long will your license be suspended if you refuse a breathalizer test? I answered 90 days, it was really 1 year. What can I say? I'm a New Mexican.
  
• How quickly must I report a change of address after moving? I could have sworn I put 10 days (it's the FAA standard, also), but I thought the test machine told me 30 days. The book says it's 10 days. Maybe I just botched this.
  
• How do you merge? I guessed a bit more aggressive than I thought reasonable—the answer was terribly conservative.
  
• How long does it take the human body to process "one drink?" I chose the most conservative answer—120 minutes. Turns out they think it's 60. I hate questions like this. What the hell is "a drink," and who the hell is drinking it? I argue Gorbachev's lifetime average is quicker than the number they quote.
  

You get the idea. Lots of statutory stuff which—if I'm in the right mood, I suppose I could probably study for. Hopefully the question pool is small and I can dunk it like I did the DDC. Booyakasha.

Oh, and welcome to June.

¹ On cleaning out my wallet, I realize that my DDC is actually issued by some organization claiming to be the National Safety Council, whatever the hell that is. I thought it was an NM state thing, but I suppose not. Unless we consider New Mexico to be its own nation, much in the same way we all hope Texas would be.