Continuing the fine tradition of moaning about horrible domestic rental cars, here's the latest installment: it involves the Mercury Grand Marquis, or also The Car With The Worst Switchgear Ever.
I admit, I'm something of a switch snob. I've got a thing for well-made, sturdy, and quiet knobs and dials and pushbuttons; and for me, there's nothing worse than switches from a giant corporate parts bin. The switches on the Grand Marquis had all the grace and tactile elegance of the lid on the salsa container—you know, the one that pops out when you open it the first time.
Most imports get the switchgear right—even a Corolla or a Civic boasts really surprisingly nice parts. The Americans have been getting this wrong for a very long time, and without a doubt, every American car that I've rented has had atrocious switches.
Plus, they were falling off the car, anyway.
But enough of that.
The Grand Marquis is Mercury's lovingly brand-engineered version of the Lincoln Town Car (which is the de-facto standard for chauffeuring importantés) and the Ford Crown Victoria (which is the de-facto standard for chauffeuring damn kids to the clink). The Mercury is the only one of the three without a clear purpose (really—I suspect that at least 60% of all Town Car sales are to limo companies, and 90%+ of all Crown Vic sales are to cops) and so it's the one relegated to the rental fleets. The Grand Marquis is also closely related to the Mercury Marauder, a fantastically subtle high-performance version of this platform.
The Marquis was fitted with a 4.6L V8 (probably making around 250hp) and a four-speed overdrive column-shifted automatic. It also had traction control (with an associated "disable" button)...but all that meant was that I had one extra button to push every time I started it.
I prodded this car fairly heavily and ended up with mileage somewhere just south of 20mpg. I was suckered into the "pre-paid fuel" option by the rental company, so I tried to return the car with as little left in the tank as I could. Behold, we dropped it off with an estimated 16 miles left on the clock.
Aside from that, the ride was really floaty (what do you expect?) and the trunk was huge. The engine whined horribly anywhere above 2,000rpm and the transmission sounded like a jet engine in 1st gear. The vinyl seats sucked and the ergonomics were awful, the gauge controls were bafflingly placed in the middle of the dashboard, and I'm still trying to figure out why Ford puts those cheap-looking entry buttons next to the door handle.
But you know what? This car was actually cool. Compared to all the shitty Equinoxes and LeSabres and Classics I've rented, the Grand Marquis is actually something I don't mind being seen in. Sure, it's pretty standard Old Person standard issue, but it's also rear-wheel-drive and looks like a damned cop car. Ford didn't totally mangle the styling of the car, either—the Crown Vic is significantly cleaner, but the Town Car, Grand Marquis, and Vic all share what I think is the best C-pillar design in the last ten years.
So was it worth it? Absolutely. But I guess that's because I only paid the compact rate.
do you remember trying to only put 25cents worth of gas in the alb-2-denver-rent-a-trunk-for-paul-2-pop-out-uv?
The guy at the gas station barely sold it to us and insisted we take and additional dollar of fuel out of his own pocket. Back in thos days we were outraged to pay anything more than $1.00 per gallon.
What year is this car? Those console buttons are just awful. Seriously terrible.
Raven-
Oh, I remember it oh so well.
Shippy-
I suspect it's either a 2005 or a 2006—it only had 8000 miles on the clock. Bear in mind that this car was largely designed in 1990 or so, and that everything since then has been a light refresh.