Universal Orlando: it's a ruse!

In the theme park business, there's no sin greater than making the entrance to something that isn't a ride look like the entrance to a ride. A rope maze in front of the gift store or puppet show is surely a tresspass of divine proportions and while warnings for pregnant patrons or those with heart conditions may be worthwhile outside the restrooms, they're nevetheless strictly verboten.

However, after an impromptu sampling of ride-looking attractions , I'm confident in saying that a full 75% of entrances at Universal Orlando are, in fact, scams.

I understand why this is—it's damned difficult to make a huge family park themed on movies. I get the impression that the Universal executives bought the land as a sortof "me-too" gesture to chase the Disney juggernaut into Florida, and then had to come up with enough shit to justify hanging onto the whole plot.

The problem is that there isn't enough genuinely entertaining movie-themed attractions to fill that park, and so half of everything in there seems really forced.

For example:

• Earthquake, which involved a 20-minute long explanation of how scale models and green-screen photography work, all while 200 guests are standing in an oddly proportioned auditorium. At the end, we all got to pile into a subway-looking thing for a 50m ride around a corner to see water and fire roll through a mocked-up subway station. Hoorah.
  
• Back to the Future, which was probably absolutely awesome when it opened in 1997 or so. Does anyone remember anything awesome from 1997? I sure don't.
  
• Beetlejuice's Rock Revue, which I'm saving until last because of its enormity of suckitude. This was in one of those outdoor amphitheater things they have all over these parks, and the show was embarrassingly bad. Granted, the actors/singers probably did their jobs about as well as they could—but when your job involves dressing up like classic movie monsters (Frankenstein & bride, Dracula, etc.) and then singing "spooky" versions of rock classics to a recorded backup band...well, there's really no way to win. The show was so bad that we left after the third song, and pity was the only reason we stayed for anything past the first. At least half of the crowd had left by the time we did.
  

The only worthwhile ride we went on was The Mummy, an indoor rollercoaster themed after the film—which is funny, because it's one of the worst films I've ever seen.