To all the people in the line at the grocery store

This is to everyone who I've ever run into at the grocery store.

• To the old people feeling perplexed at the self-checkout lane: have you learned your lesson? You've clogged one of the U-scan machines for at least 15 minutes as you've tried to figure out how to buy an onion. I'm sure you went into that line thinking "hey, there are four free machines, so even if I take forever hobbling over modern technology, I won't be getting in anyone's way"—but of course, you didn't account for Guy With Way More Than 10 Items on machine 1, Foreign Man on machine 3, and Giggling Potheads Repeatedly Scanning Funyuns on machine 4.
• To the young adult who's either (a) clearly using a fake ID, or (b) clearly buying alcohol for the first time: You'll be OK. Quit looking so conspicuous. And quit blushing. P.S., enjoy your 12-pack of silver bullets.
• To anyone with more than one coupon: You need to organize yourselves and you all need to stand in the one line at the register that's waaay far out from the others. You know how the express line says "no personal checks?" Well, the same should apply to coupons.
• To the woman standing behind register 7 spacing out at the magazine rack: Wake up. There are four people waiting to get around you.
• To the bachelor in front of me: Oh wait, you don't actually go grocery shopping. You've just picked up something Biggie Sized from Wendy's so you can take it home to watch the game.
• To the immigrant man who has repeatedly asked the cashier to price check an item that rung up at $5.99 even though it was sitting on a display rack with a $3.99 tag hanging somewhere: You've wasted at least five minutes of my goddamned time waiting for either you or the cashier to give up. You know what? I give up. Here's your goddamned $2.
• To the thieves trying to steal something with an inventory-control tag: You know, if you just walked through the theft sensors and acted surprised when they went off instead of looking shifty and bolting when the klaxons blare, you wouldn't get your asses hauled off to the security office.
• To anyone making chit-chat with the grocery store staff: I admire your commitment to community and interaction and all that nonsense—but cut it out. I'm trying to conduct a transaction and get the hell out of here as quickly as I possibly can.
• To the parents with the two screaming kids: You're actually cool, in my book. I was a screaming six-year-old once too, and I'm actually far less annoyed with you (and your kids) than my expression indicates.
• To the rest of you: I'm really trying to stay as much out of your way as I can. Please do the same.

Thanks.