It turns out that the second channel on my ALi IDE controller was, in fact, torched—just not as torched as the first channel. So now that I've sunk the $5 into a replacement from PC Recycle, I'm finishing my Windows Home Server installation.
Although, I got into an argument with the guy at PC Recycle when I tried to buy the damned thing, because the board was in the bucket marked "$5 RAID IDE Controllers" even though it clearly wasn't a RAID controller. I told the clerk this, and he looked at the card and told me it wasn't a RAID controller, which I knew because I was only telling him it was in the RAID controller bucket so he knew how I came to the conclusion that the controller was $5. Iterate a few times and you'll see where our conversation ended.
So what your saying is... it broken - just like everyting else! Why is everyting broken!
Apparently we can't have nice things.
"Excuse me sir, my receipt shows that you sold me an Edlebrock carburetor, I thought I was purchasing an Edelbrock, and I demand my money back."
As I'm sure you recall, that "Edlebrock" was worth every penny.